Just friends. It would seem a simple concept that two people accept this fact. That between them there is no physical or emotional relationship. That feelings do not exist.
But what if they are? What if one person falls in love with another? What if the equation add "sex for friendship"? What if you're crazy about someone who can't give you what you need?
The words "just friends" will warp anyone. Because everyone who was in such a situation knows that such friendship begins when the other person does not feel the same. And you cannot change it, because you have to accept it.
You are forced to restrain these feelings within you and hope that they will wither. But it is not easy to do.
There is nothing more painful than saying the words “I love you” to someone who, you know, will not answer you the same way.
Then why bother to say it?
You say it because such pure love is hard to find. You say it, just to let the person know, even though you don't get anything from it.
On the contrary, it spoils your soul, it hurts, even though you do not deserve it.
You have to be that person for him, while he chooses whether he wants you or not. And in the process of this choice, he comes and goes, his feelings are incomprehensible, his intentions are blurred. And you fall in love only stronger.
So many times I reread his messages, remembered all our moments and analyzed them in seconds, before each letter. Thinking that something is still there. Sent screenshots. And my friends suffered with me. I was sure that all this was not only in my head, that not only I felt it. But no matter what I found, it never led to what I wanted.
I realized that “just friends” is a shirking of responsibility. “Just friends” is an excuse. “Just friends” is when you say to someone: you can treat me as you like, but I will not change my attitude towards you.
And I have not changed. I allowed people to stomp on me, say and do what they wanted, but I still tried desperately and never changed my attitude towards them. In my head, I thought that I would never allow the bad attitude of others or love, which they could not answer, to influence how I love.But it led to a lot of pain that I did not deserve.
And all they could say was “just friends” to justify themselves.
Like, they do not owe you anything, because they have not met with you. Therefore, they treated you as you did, knowing that you would never say anything against it.
And this silence killed me every time. It was an inexplicable heartache, because there were no shortcuts to everything that I felt, so why suffer? These are tears that nobody knew about. It is a pain when you look at someone and you cannot say: “I want to hate you, but I love you more than anyone, even after all that you have done to me”.
This is the most cruel form of love.
These are plans that were canceled at the last minute. These are the meetings they swore to come. These are birthdays when I stood alone and did not receive the only thing I wanted. These are excuses and excuses. But we were “just friends,” because I shouldn’t have been hurt.
And in response to your feelings, you have to listen to what you don’t want, about people who are interested in them. And this is true self-destruction when you hold onto someone who does not respect your feelings at all.
If they were respected, they would never have talked to you about someone else. They would not use you every time someone else throws them.
You are brave, kind and beautiful. The fact that you love someone without making him yours does not make you stupid. You are much stronger than everyone thinks. But you don't need to be like this.
I know everyone says to you: forget it, let it go, you deserve more. And in your heart you know that you deserve the love you give to this person. But there is something in it that you cannot get away from.
But true love does not leave a void within you. She doesn't use you. She does not ignore your messages. She doesn't call you "just a friend."
You don't deserve to hear "I love you, but ..."
But I'm not ready for someone like you.
But I don't want to hurt you.
But I do not want to spoil our friendship.
So people like you around. I like that they can always turn to you. I like that someone cares about them so, and they may not respond the same. Everyone loves attention. But not everyone deserves your attention.
When you agree to friendship, when your heart wants more, you devalue yourself.
I know you think you need this man.I know you think you love him. And right now you cannot imagine life without him. But maybe the reason why you have not found your love is that you are holding on to the one who prevents you from finding it.
Letting go is painful. But if it remains to be no less painful to remain “just friends” with this person, then why not try doing something different?
You deserve more. To be more than “just friends.”