What is the price of the five - or the excellent student syndrome, which prevents to live

What is the price of the "five" - ​​or the syndrome of an excellent student who prevents to live

 

How did you feel when you got the top four at school?If you were so painful, sad and sad that the assessment brought you to tears, it is likely that during your school years you received not only a lot of knowledge that was not very useful in real life, but also “excellent student syndrome”, which prevents much more than the knowledge that diagonal diamonds intersect at right angles.

Where does the syndrome come from?

Most often, parents themselves cultivate it in a child, making excessive demands. “Why do you have fours in math?” There should be five! "," The only possible assessment is five, "- all such phrases are translated by the schoolchild as" I am good only if I get an excellent assessment. " And although most adults are well aware that grades often have little to do with real knowledge, they continue to insist that the diary only contains the highest score - or else, they say, they will completely relax.

Sometimes the top five and successful learning isthe only way for a child to be noticed and recognized in the family. For him, good grades become a way to get a piece of attention from the most expensive people, because without great points in a diary, nobody simply notices him.

Does this mean that all excellent students somehow form this syndrome?

Not at all. Children, self-confident and not dependent on the opinions of others, may well know the subject perfectly well. But the difference between the holders of the “syndrome of excellence” of the healthy honors pupils is that they will not sob over the diary with the troika and beg the teacher not to rate the journal and appoint a retake.

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What is bad for this syndrome?

The excellent student syndrome in children leads to negative experiences, neurotic disorders, insomnia, physical and moral exhaustion, but the biggest problem is thatlifelong pattern of behavior"Be the best - only then you will love / praise / appreciate / respect."

In adulthood, excellent pupil syndrome is oftentransformed into low self-esteem, painful perfectionism and provokes depression.A man who grew up with the conviction that he is recognized, loved and appreciated only when he does something better than everyone else - is very much experiencing setbacks, criticism, and even simply lack of praise from significant figures of the environment.

So, a housewife with the syndrome of a pupil will feel like a useless wife if her husband does not praise her every culinary masterpiece, the office worker will be sure that he is doing his job badly, if the chef doesn’t constantly encourage and encourage him, that is, put virtual fives ". At the same time, objective reality, that is, how well these people do their work, is not perceived by them at all. No praise means no success. They themselves do not know how to praise themselves.

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The paradox is that such people are usually very successful in their affairs, because they do not give themselves the descent and require themselves to the fullest, and others around it quickly get used to. The first time the boss will praise the employee, who stayed in the office for an hour and exceeded the norm by one and a half times, the second one too, but after a month he will begin to take it for granted and may even be unhappy if the employee leaves on time.And since the need to get your “virtual five” does not disappear anywhere, such an employee can bring himself to a nervous breakdown - after all, in order for the boss to continue to praise, you need to work even better, longer and more successfully! At the same time, people with excellent syndrome are often afraid to make a mistake and prefer not to risk at all, just to not get a “minus” to their “top five”.

Often people with excellent syndromeprojecting their perfectionism on their surroundings- not only children, but also parents, husbands, and colleagues fall under the “distribution”. And woe to those employees whose head in childhood was ordered to “return home with only fives” - after all, he will be sincerely convinced that work can or cannot be done at all, or done ideally. What else is a disease, childbirth, vacation? Well, I sat at the computer - and wrote a report, but so what, it's now three in the morning, I don’t know anything!

Since the mood and mental state of the “high achiever” almost completely depends on the assessment that the environment puts to him, he resembles a computer without a battery — as long as there is electricity, everything works, but only fails — the computer immediately turns off.

Even if the “high achiever” is lucky, and he finds a mate that will constantly praise him and get a job where everyone appreciates him and cannot live without him, at some point the chain will still collapse when someone forgets Say what a good Vasya.

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What to do if your child already has this complex?

More often be interested not in grades, but in the process of study itself - what went on biology, what book was discussed in literature, how did the excursion to the museum go and why did the English teacher give such a big task. Show sincere interest, listen, if the child wants to tell you something, praise, if you feel pride in the achievements of your son or daughter, but better - not for grades, but for striving, for trying, even if she was not successful. Teach your child that not only victories are needed in life, because failures are a great way to find out your weaknesses and understand what else you can work on.

If the child himself seeks to demonstrate his success - “Look, mom, I have two fives today” - try to avoid praise for a high score anyway. “You are so diligent, I saw you teach a poem three hours yesterday,It's great that the teacher of literature also appreciated it! ”- praise the child himself, his diligence, diligence and diligence, and not the number in the diary.
 

Your task is to let your child understand that grades are not the main thing in life..

“But what about the admission to the institute?” - parents immediately object. - “He is now picking up the twos, and then scoop me up, push him into the paid university!” The fact that it is worth loosening the control - and the child will go out of control, begin to skip lessons, do not do homework, write off on controls and go down “below the plinth "- This is a common myth. In fact, if a schoolboy feels that his parents trust him and do not aspire to take responsibility for his homework, he takes it upon himself. Perhaps his “natural” level of claims is not enough for a diary, full of fives, but he will grow into a harmonious, self-confident and self-reliant person. These are the ones that usually succeed in life.

Look around - are all of those who occupy important posts, get a good salary, achieve success in their careers and personal lives - gold medalists and holders of red diplomas? As practice shows,in real life, it is far more successful than Troechnik students who do not live for the sake of getting approval from somewhere outside, but are perfectly able to encourage and motivate themselves.

And, by the way, the lack of control does not mean at all the abundance of triples in the diary.

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What to do with your excellent student syndrome?

The problem is that the syndrome of excellent, if I may say so, is a hereditary "disease." Grandma demanded excellent grades from your dad, he put you in the corner for any “non-five” and now you are furious at the sight of two (or, worse, even four) in the diary of your child. And no matter how much you convince yourself that grades are not the most important thing in life, when your fifth grader comes home again, with his eyes downcast, he says that he got a four for dictation in the Russian language, you just cannot cope with your emotions. ANDIt is sometimes very difficult to overcome this pattern of behavior without external interference..

At such times, the criticizing parent comes to life in you - the same one that was copied from your own mom and dad. And you start shouting, accusing the son or daughter of disorder and even, at times, nonsense.But remember that the inner parent has another part - caring. Which instead of the phrase “I knew you were ignorant,” one might wonder: “The dictation was difficult, probably?” A caring parent is not ironic, he sincerely empathizes with a loved one, who himself was very upset and almost cried. He knows that assessment does not always show real knowledge, and that not all people are given the same skills in the same simple way.

The good news is that you can grow a caring parent. When you next time you want to criticize, shame, or explain what and how you should have done, stop and imagine for a second, and what would a caring parent who always seeks to help and support? And try, at least for the sake of diversity, to behave that way.

By the way, it works the same way for those holders of the excellent student syndrome who do not have children yet. Start by often “turning on” a caring parent for yourself. Ask yourself: “How do I feel? What do I want now? Is it important to arrange a general cleaning at three o'clock in the morning, when at six to get up for work? ”

To defeat perfectionism, which is often "hatched" from the syndrome of the excellent student, you can only practice.Make something not perfect, you see, no one will love you less because of it.

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How to prevent the appearance of the syndrome excellent student?

Love your child (as well as your loved ones and yourself) not just for something, but just like that. More often say “I'm so glad that I have you,” hug and smile.

Thomas Edison, the inventor of the incandescent lamp, had only four classes of education, and in his old age loved to repeat: “Do you really think that I would be able to invent something if I went to school?” Albert Einstein barely graduated from a higher technical school in Zurich. And Bill Gates was expelled from Harvard for academic failure and absenteeism, because the bar attracted him much less than chips and equipment.

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  • What is the price of the five - or the excellent student syndrome, which prevents to live

    What is the price of the five - or the excellent student syndrome, which prevents to live

    What is the price of the five - or the excellent student syndrome, which prevents to live

    What is the price of the five - or the excellent student syndrome, which prevents to live

    What is the price of the five - or the excellent student syndrome, which prevents to live

    What is the price of the five - or the excellent student syndrome, which prevents to live

    What is the price of the five - or the excellent student syndrome, which prevents to live

    What is the price of the five - or the excellent student syndrome, which prevents to live

    What is the price of the five - or the excellent student syndrome, which prevents to live

    What is the price of the five - or the excellent student syndrome, which prevents to live

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