In childhood, the child's behavior depends on the parents. It is they, allowing, encouraging or banning, teach the baby the first patterns of behavior. The school has accumulated negative experience - failures and inability to accept them, lies and conflicts, leveling and a formal approach. This is not to say that it is great for the psyche, but the character tempers. And, it is necessary, precisely at that period, when a teenager is first visited by a sublime feeling, a physiological restructuring, hormonal surges fall on him, acute angles of character appear - and all this against the background of an unstable psyche. Poor, poor parents ...
A few words about the happiness of being a teenager. According to experts, behavioral disorders associated with strongly pronounced traits of character, reach their peak precisely in adolescence and youth. A seemingly normal child begins to behave like a psychopath, snaps, locks himself in a room, dyes his hair blue, drinks parental whiskey, is unhappy with world order and criticizes your values.What are parents doing? They say: “The child's character has gone wrong. He's not as cute as before. Well. This is a transitional age, let's wait. ” Wear a helmet and lie down for a couple of years at the bottom of the trench so that the tank does not move.
Leave me alone
The fact is that the character of a teenager does not deteriorate, but finally develops. Formed from heredity, internal, previously not manifested qualities, temperament, enhanced by hormones. Now he will determine the actions of man. Instead of a child’s “must,” a teenager will have a “want.” Strange behavior translates into family space: “I am I!” And clears a place for a new personality. By the age of 20, the strongly manifested, so-called accentuated, features will smooth out, disguise, or perhaps turn into dignity. And now the teenager is trying on a bear skin of adulthood, and it seems that he is not very comfortable in it. It is easier to accept a rapidly changing body than reactions, emotions that are impossible to cope with, anger and thrice self-doubt. Because it's one thing to be rude to your parents, and quite another to get credibility among your peers or the sympathy of your favorite girl or boy at any cost.
He is too nervous
The psyche of a teenager is labile, that is, unstable, changeable.This is a man of mood. To some extent, emotional lability is expressed in all adolescents. The main feature of the labile type is dramatic mood swings. Unpleasant news, fleeting remark, bad weather can deprive him of his spirits. At the same time, a kind word, an interested look, a sincere compliment can lift your spirits or distract from dark thoughts. Not only that the mood changes a hundred times a day, but also the experiences become very strong. Add to this love. Under normal circumstances, the sea becomes knee-deep, studying on the side, euphoria, happiness. It is necessary for an object of love to show inattention or rudeness, a vulnerable and sensitive teenager loses sleep, appetite, interest in learning, sends parents, goes into himself. Not excluded depression, neurotic breakdown, an attempt to suicide. If parents suffer a tantrum - consider it easy to get off. You can only offer patience, love and pleasant tokens.
The cognitive dissonance
The American National Institute of Mental Health in 2010 completed a longitudinal (long and systematic) study that foundthat the human brain becomes mature only by 25 years, and sometimes later. At a tender age, cognitive abilities are still far from final development. In a simplified form, “cognitive” means cognitive. That is, the lack of harmony in cognition, or the discrepancy of what was received with the expected.
A girl of Russian classics is reading and she will sacrifice herself, feel sorry for the schismatics, go to Siberia. Sorry and sacrifice - in Russian synonyms of love. Shame, suffering, drama, death. Tatiana and Onegin got off lightly, but do not forget, she is given to another. Ukrainian textbook - Catherine, Marusya Churai, Mavka ... Although the biographies of the classics are far from the glorified ideal. A love affair with a happy ending or a light Hollywood movie is more useful for the psyche. Where else does a teenager gain knowledge about first love? Always close parents, but is this an example? What can they say about first love? There are friends, classmates, celebrities - and each has its own story. It is important to be yourself and not compare personal experience with other people's principles and book fiction. In general, the less you wait, the less you get disappointed.
Successful and unsuccessful
Who came up with these epithets? Successful love - is it for life, which, like in a fairy tale, ended in a wedding? And unsuccessful - this is not like love, but so, lack of love? The world is full of optimistic examples. Vanessa Paradis divorced Johnny Depp and immediately prettier. The beautiful Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are no longer together. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes ... Gwyneth Paltrow had previously met Brad Pete, and Jennifer Aniston married him. Less drama - more life. Yes, a teenager has a painful perception, but he is able to understand that the relationship of two does not always develop according to the will and desire of one person.
It is foolish to be tormented by the question of whether love was and whether it was love. There were feelings and a person to whom he sympathized. You can maintain a good relationship, cross out a scoundrel from your life, but in no case can you make a projection for the future from your first experience. Parents are obliged to understand, they can listen, but they should not give advice and assessments, like “it means she didn’t love you”, “you will find ten more of them”, “I never liked him”, “you yourself are to blame for what you were expecting with such respect. " Be a psychoanalyst. You can nod, moo, poddakivat, but let the person speak out and make a conclusion.
Mom understands everything
Many parents would not have noticed the first love, if it had not affected the study and the case would have been without sex. According to statistics, puberty in modern adolescents occurs two to three years earlier than their parents. But after all, first love is not always with a minus sign. It can be a strong motivation for entering a good university. If a teenager understands that you need to take care of the future now. It can be an incentive for sports or attending developmental courses.
How to help a teenager cope with the negative consequences of unrequited or past love? Just as you help yourself. Moms confess what to do? New hairstyle, makeup, outfits, trips, impressions - everything that can please a person who has lost the taste for life. The healing power of conversation is not omnipotent. And if a guy finds a new smartphone in his room, he will understand that you are worried about him and in your own way, albeit clumsily, are trying to support. It is especially nice when the child is closed and not very talkative.
Teenager is difficult to cope with their feelings. Much harder than parents. Even if you really want to get into his soul, do not do it
What should parents do
We give some tips to parents. Teenager is difficult to cope with their feelings. Much harder than parents. Even if you really want to get into his soul, do not do it. If you are a very witty person, you can not mock or make fun of his feelings. First, to ridicule other people's feelings is indecent. Secondly, the teenager can not adequately respond. Thirdly, first love is still serious. These are feelings, the strength and traumatic effect of which parents cannot assess. Communicate with a teenager on an equal footing, not suppressing his desires, but not indulging them.
Do not push the child to conclusions or decisions if he had a quarrel. Let everything go on as usual. You can give more money - at the cinema, cafe or gift of your beloved. Do not discuss the object of interest and the fact of falling in love with strangers or by phone. You do not need to have an opinion on this. If the child has told that he cares, in no case then do not use confessions against him. You say: “We need to do our homework, and not to kiss on the bench,” and the child will never trust you again.Just behave like an older friend who does not ask too much and will not quit in the lurch.
These words from the field of psychiatry - accentuation, lability and cognitiveness - describe the formation of a teenager's character, psyche and brain work - that will later determine his behavior in relationships with other people. In children with a stable psyche and the correct norms of behavior, first love may not leave bad memories, and with time all the memories, even unpleasant ones, will become good. Psychologists call this "pink retrospection" or "cloudless past." Past events are perceived as more enjoyable compared to how they were perceived at the moment when they occurred.
The eminent psychologist Frederic Perls, the founder of gestalt therapy, said: “I do not live in this world to meet your expectations. And you do not live in this world to meet my expectations. ” If parents could treat each other like that, if they treated their children this way, then none of us would have thought to adapt to the expectations of other people, feel guilty, project their expectations onto someone, including love .